as you'll probably read this and think "Stupid woman, she's got her family around her and every one's healthy, what has she got to moan about" but today is one of those days.
To say the last few months have been challenging is a bit of an understatement. There have been lots of changes, some expected ( DD starting school) and some not and it's been difficult especially since some of the changes were not of our making I'm aware that I'm feeling really sorry for myself and that DD and DH have had their lives turned upside down too, but I'm just finding life really difficult.
I suppose that we all know people who either have one thing they are really good at or seem to be brilliant at everything they try. I've known a few people like that, well I'm not one of them. I've always been decidedly average at everything. I've never really had a life plan or career plan. The nearest I got was studying for my accountancy qualifications before my daughter was born but that was really more because I fell into the job and just ended up in management accounts rather than having a particular talent or interest in it.
After getting over the initial shock of finding out I was expecting DD I was really looking forward to it. Hoping that after having a fantastic role model for a Mum in my own Mum who is brilliant, that maybe I was about to find something that I was really good at. Maybe being a Mum was going to be my thing, the role that I was destined to do and be really good at. Well it wasn't and I don't even think I could be described as being average at it. At the moment I just feel like I'm the most rubbish Mum that ever walked the earth.
Things were difficult at the start, I felt awful, DD was a nightmare at nights, had colic, breastfeeding was really difficult at first and it just wasn't anything like I expected (not that I really had any idea what to expect). I think it just started badly and just went down hill from there and now 4.5 years later, I do wonder where it all went wrong.
I have a beautiful intelligent daughter, who can be wilful, difficult and downright frustrating at times, a great husband who supports me even though things haven't been easy for him of late and who is a great father. I should be really happy but I just want to crawl away and hide.
I don't know whether it's because she's so like me (my Mum and Dad think it's funny to point out that watching her is like going back 30 years) but she winds me up so easily and then i end up losing my temper and shouting at her. This makes me feel like I'm an even crapper mother than I already think I am but I still do it.
I want her to have a great childhood and be happy but I worry that all she's going to remember is that she's got a misery of a Mum or worse still I'm going to drive her and my husband away.
I'm almost 35 and I've been nowhere and done nothing with my life.
Sorry for this rambling and miserable post but I just needed to get my head together and get what I was thinking out.
Hopefully normal service will be resumed tomorow.
6 comments:
Oh hun, just want to send you a big hug. xxxx
Another big hug from me. Your life has changed from what you expected, and it's obviously getting you down - hope it lifts soon, maybe writing it down will help with that.
You're a great mom, and talented with your knitting.
Big hugs mama.
oh sweet mama ... huge hugs to you.
Take some time for yourself, give youself a break, release that wonderful woman that you already are, we see her, let yourself see her too.
xxx
Hi Michelle, I just wanted to say thank you so very much for your comment on my blog. It meant a lot to me.
One of the things I have struggled with the most is the impact the death of her sister will have on my surviving daughter. Almost an additional little grief all of its own in a way. But they will always be sisters, they'll always be twins, just like you will always have two brothers.
I'm so sorry that you lost your brother. I can certainly identify with your Mum, thinking that she might have noticed something or could have done something if she'd only been there. You are right, it comes with being a Mum, this feeling that we somehow have to fix everything. But we just can't.
I think we all have moments when we sit and think 'argh, I'm x years old and I haven't achieved anything yet!.' I'm sure you underestimate yourself, you grew up watching your own Mum and you have a lot of more of her in your own parenting style than you are aware of! I certainly have days when I feel I'm a front runner in the crappest Mum contest. But we are doing the best we can, with what we have and we love our girls. That's all we can do.
Sorry to leave such a screed. I would have sent an e-mail but I couldn't find an address. xo
Michelle,
I ran across your blog by happenstance, but am glad I did! Sounds like you have a wonderful, highly spirited, intense and willful child. These kids bring so MUCH to our lives...but they can also make us second guess oursleves.
One thing I can tell you is that these kids can SOAR...we just have to survive the intensity and help them learn to manage it!
I hope you will consider joining us at http://www.facebook.com/kidlutions
We talk lots about raising kids who are "MORE" of everything. You are NOT alone!
I just did several radio shows and podcasts on parenting difficult children...you may find somehting that helps!
Keep shining bright~
Wendy @Kidlutions
((((hugs))) catching up, so I'm way behind.
I do hope you're feeling much more confident and your esteem is soaring.
And I KNOW your daughter thinks the world of you and would have no other mother - even if you do shout sometimes. She loves you, warts and all. She doesn't need you to be a perfect mum, darling, she just needs you to love her and show that love.
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